One of the Worst Days of My Life

The Boy and I have had a quiet month because I was lying low until we could share our news. I went in for a routine scan on Tuesday to find out that my 8-week old baby had passed away and that I had had a missed miscarriage despite having seen a heartbeat the week before. I was, and am, devastated.

We were due to fly to meet the Boy's family that night in South Carolina.The Boy was due to meet his new 5-month-old niece for the first time. The doctor suggested I amend our plans, as I was and am still yet to miscarry. It could happen any day, but if not, I am booked in for an operation on Monday.

The waiting and knowing that I am going to miscarry is awful. Will it hurt? Will there be a lot of blood? Also, our plans have gone out the window. We might not have our little American baby. There might never be a little baby.

I write this because no-one likes talking about miscarriages. I have felt quite alone even with the support of the Boy, who has been great; I do feel truly loved. But, the sense of loss is huge and it has felt like I have not been able to openly acknowledge my sadness. No-one has made me feel like this, just me. I have felt that I shouldn't upset people by talking about it or by being open about my grief. I am writing this because I want miscarriage to not be this horrible thing that we're not allowed to talk about. It is horrible, but we're allowed to mourn death and break-ups, so let's make it acceptable to admit that miscarriages are awful and painful. My guilt has been heightened by how much sadness I have brought to my family. I know how much they wanted to be aunts and grandparents and great uncles and aunts.

As the days have passed, it has been easier for me to deal with. I'm still in denial and will be until it happens either naturally or surgically. Until then, I can't think about starting the process again. It feels like I got to mile 8 of a marathon and have had to restart because of a false start.

If you read this and want to get in touch, please don't post on my Facebook wall but send me a direct message or email me. If I don't respond, please don't be offended. I am lucky to have friends that care about me. I will get back to you once I feel more in control.