Superficial and Inadequate

for all the good times here in New York, I find it difficult and exhausting, too. I am so frequently pushed outside my comfort zone and relate to people on quite a superficial level.

I am in my second week of out and out networking, today started the first day of a three-day conference. I rarely attended conference in the UK so don't have a frame of reference, but the ones here are all-consuming. you exist in a little microcosm of the conference and you live and breatheit for its duration

. I've gotten out of bed, as my mind is whirring. I used to be terrible at networking and am now mediocre. I find myself reliving moments, cringing at the moronic things I've said to CEOs though at least I don't kick myself for not approaching them anymore. I find networking tough because I find it so superficial and fake. I want people to know that I'm a good person and I don't mean to talk to them just to get X or Y out of them. the fakery drives me insane.

it is easier here than back home, as people are happy to play the game whereas as Brits, our natural inclination is for everyone to stand there by themselves wishing the ground would swallow us up. I know I'm tired with two more days left and another conference looming next month. after some sleep, I'll be reenergised and ready with my game face on, but for tonight I'll lie here on my sofa, reliving, lamenting and cringing until tiredness takes over.

conferences in the States highlight your inadequacies, as speaker 1) in my first session recited poetry on demand; speaker 2) was a multi-award winning trumpeter/MD/artistic director/wisest man on earth; and random punter 3) was an executive coach for UN and CGI delegates who made me stop and think at least twice whilst speaking to him.

of course, it may be that it was just because the conference made me miss the season finale of Breaking Bad that I'm grumpy.